Breaking news from me not doing my job….corruption at another person’s job where 44 state officials, and rabbis in New Jersey are being arrested for money laundering, corruption, and….organ brokering? Video HERE
Archive for the ‘DEAD’ Category
Dirty Jerz!
Thursday, July 23rd, 2009Real People. Not Actors. Right.
Wednesday, July 15th, 2009
My roommates are used to being woken up by me screaming at the television all like: “That is not the same person! You cannot get six pack abs from taking a pill!” or “Those are fake scars in that mederma commercial!” “Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!” Testimonials are almost always written by advertising departments and then delivered by poor out of work actors who feel a little dirty when they allow the really bad animator to create a “before” picture where they weighed 200 pounds. But, this really takes the cake: Ben and Catherine Mullany were murdered on their honeymoon in Antigua last July. Murdered. But, MyDishBiz, a satellite company in Ohio used a pre-wedding photo of the couple to plug their business. “We are very happy with this program. This is the best opportunity we’ve seen online ever. Thanks again”, the couple is quoted as saying. Well, unless they were so stoked on this satellite business that they sent a letter down from heaven, it looks like someone cut and paste their photo from an internet tribute to the slain couple. So wrong. The company claims that they are “trying to track down who sent the testimonial and picture for inclusion on our website.” I would start in the office where the company has interns posting testimonials for $7 an hour. That’s where I would start.
FSU Founder Arrested on Extortion Charge
Wednesday, July 15th, 2009
The internet is reporting that Elgin Nathan James, founder of Boston-based jock-hardcore-gang FSU has been arrested for extortion. The charge? Demanding $5,000 from a touring punk band in Boston with the threat of physical assault. FSU, if you haven’t found out the hard way, is a Boston-based crew called “Friends Stand United.”
If for some reason you aren’t familiar with the history of Boston hardcore gangs, here’s a brief wiki-biography of FSU’s roots:
PUNK: After a short time in orphanages and foster homes, Elgin James (who is of mixed race) was raised by civil rights activists on a rural farm in the Northeast.
STRAIGHT EDGE: With a crop of marijuana in the backyard and alcohol and drug abuse in the house, Elgin formed strong anti-drinking/drug beliefs.
HARDCORE: Edgin’s older brother brought him to several shows by seminal hardcore bands like Black Flag, Agnostic Front and Millions of Dead Cops.
GANG EDUCATION: He was arrested for the first time at age twelve, and by fourteen he wound end up in juvenile hall. There, he rejected the pacifist beliefs of his parents (who had marched with Rev. Martin Luther King and the Freedom Riders movement), and began studying the writings of Malcolm X, Stokely Carmichael and Huey P. Newton fusing them with aggressive punk ideals.
BRAIN DAMAGE: During a break in his first semester he was involved in a gang fight that left him with left hemispheric brain damage. After intensive rehabilitation he eventually recovered his speech and motor skills. But ended up homeless living on the streets and in squats (abandoned buildings) across the country.
FSU GROWS: Elgin and his friends started FSU to tackle the neo-nazi problem in the Boston hardcore scene. They would use makeshift weapons such as hammers, cue balls in a sock and even a human thighbone. Soon racist skinheads, who had been such a common sight at Boston hardcore and punk rock shows, became scarce. FSU’s numbers began to grow and they started traveling to tackle the racist problem in surrounding states.
GOOD DEEDS: Elgin became a vegan at a very young age after seeing his farm animals slaughtered. Later, he and other FSU members set up an “arms for hostages” scenario trading handguns to inner city gang members in exchange for the pit bulls used in dog fighting rings. The dogs would then be nursed back to health and fostered until safe homes were found for them.
Dash Snow Dead of Overdose
Tuesday, July 14th, 2009
The beautiful Dash Snow, art royalty, IRAK crew member, and brilliant photographer, died this morning due to a heroin overdose. Leaving home at 14, for a more provocative life (which included homelessness) he was described as a “Master of Art” at 23. The irony behind his successful career is that his family is totally inundated in the art-world, but instead of relying on their name or connections he rejected them and all related pretentiousness. He depended on talent, pioneering the now easily recognizable style of candid photos taken on a night out. His photographs served as a way for him to remember where he had been the next morning. Other notable work includes a semen-series called “Fuck the Police” where he ejaculated over tabloids and then created collages. He was represented by Tim Barber’s Tiny Vices. Dash Snow will definitely be missed
Jacko Had Bleached Sperm
Wednesday, July 1st, 2009
Everyone has been talking about this forever, but now, given Michael Jackson’s sudden death and the hoopla surrounding the will and all that, it’s front page again. Especially since Debbie Rowe has come out and said that the kids are not genetically Michael’s. I guess there is a remote possibility that a black man would have three (seemingly) white children, but it smells a bit funny to me. Sure, he was whiter than they are by the time they were born, but last I checked, skin bleaching is not transferable to offspring. The children do have a blond mom, but being biracial myself and knowing lots of other halfsies, I am going to go ahead and cast my vote in the so not his sperm box. I guess little brown babies wouldn’t have gone with his albino with a silky hair weave look. I loved MJ, by the way. And, he raised the kids so they are his. Just pointing out the obvi.
Romaerosmith
Wednesday, July 1st, 2009
Bar Refaeli: You keep doing your thing. You’re golden. Incidentally, thanks for making it clear that Joe Perry is decidedly NOT actually playing that guitar.
But Steven Tyler: Wow, man. This is what a pickle would look like if the local deli used heroin instead of brine. But, on the bright side, it’s nice to see the librarian from Ghostbusters is still kickin’ out the jams.
R.I.P., Billy Mays
Tuesday, June 30th, 2009
HI. MIKEY TONEY, HERE. I’M PAYING TRIBUTE TO STENTORIAN PITCHMAN BILLY MAYS, WHO AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS WEEK, MET AN UNEXPECTED END. ON SUNDAY, JANUARY 28TH, MAYS’ WIFE DISCOVERED HIS SILENT, MOTIONLESS BODY IN THEIR TAMPA, FLORIDA HOME. DOCTORS SAY THAT HYPERTENSIVE HEART DISEASE WAS THE LIKELY CAUSE OF DEATH.
BUT WAIT — THERE’S MORE.
YOU REALLY ARE GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT, BECAUSE FURTHER TESTS ARE BEING DONE TO COMPILE A MORE CONCLUSIVE REPORT ON MAYS’ DEATH. UNTIL THEN, THE MEDIA IS LEFT TO MOURN THIS SUDDEN LOSS WITHOUT CLOSURE. ALL THAT IS CERTAIN IS THAT, WHEN MEMORIAL SERVICES ARE HELD, ADMIRERS’ EARS WILL RING INSTEAD OF CHURCH BELLS, WHICH WILL BE TOLL-FREE.
DDT – 0, Bed Bugs and Malaria- 1
Monday, June 29th, 2009
The other day, I met a guy who decided to tell me his bed-bug woes. He’s in a bad place, but he needs to man-up about it. Granted, bed bugs are perhaps the worst of the worst; the fuckers shouldn’t break a man so severely as to immediately spoil his shot at pussy. It’s more than just bad form; it’s sad.
Up to about a year ago I thought the buggers were confined to Tropic of Cancer, but that was before I heard someone talk about them at least once a month. A conspiracy theorist friend of mine said they’ve reemerged because of the ban on DDT, and although he’s a nil source, it sounded plausible. Turns out that the lack of DDT may be partially responsible; when the toxin was alive and well, the bugs were dead. The myth/truth is pretty well circulated, because there are heaps of hipsters demanding the stuff like they’re searching for some impossible drug. The toxin of choice is DDT—too much and you get cancer, just enough and your back on the pussy track.
Here is a sampling of some pleas:
Some DDT wanted for NY apartment
I am in need of some DDT for bed bugs infestation problem. Just a small amount is all I need. I will pay good money for it.
Need to buy DDT for bedgugs
Need to buy DDT for a bud bug problem that will not be eradicated by extermination–for one home use only–please contact me!!!!
Wanted: Want to buy DDT insecticides
I need a small amount of DDT to kill bed bugs in my apartment. This is only for home application, it is for no other purpose.
The EPA banned the stuff in ’73, and though it’s controversial whether or not bed bugs are totally resistant to the chemical, these people want it. They quadruple exclamation point want it. There is a bit of a movement to bring DDT back, but if it’s back and mishandled then we’d all want to ban it again. Of course, that’s assuming that we knew what was going on and could target one particular public health wrong. The ban on DDT was mainly a result of the Nixon administration’s characteristic hastiness and a book called “Silent Spring”—which is like the green-movement’s version of the Passion of Christ. Whatever though, just gimme that DDT mannn, I swear I’m good for it maannn, just a little bit. Have a heart—I just wanna hold it. I’ll give it right back.
Action Jackson
Monday, June 29th, 2009
There’s a rumor going around the internets that Michael Jackson is going to be plastinated. Plastination is such a weird, obscure practice that my computer won’t recognize it as a word. Basically, the water and fat in a body are replaced with curable polymers. Once hardened, the “plastinate” can be posed and re-posed.
As if Jackson wasn’t creepy enough in life, now he’s going to (maybe) be made into a giant action figure. A big, molesty G.I. Jacko. Awesome. Kind of like Jeremy Bentham but with less utilitarianism and a few more social disorders
And, as a side note, my boss Ed is freaking out here at Chief. Apparently he bought michaeljacksonsgrave.com as soon as Jackson died. If this plastination thing happens, goodbye retirement, Ed. I find myself wondering what he even planned to put on the site. Oh well. The interwebs giveth and they taketh away.
Janet Jackson FINALLY Speaks
Monday, June 29th, 2009I’ve been waiting for days to hear Janet make a statement (I was going off this as a stand-in). Well, I don’t need to wait anymore, Ms. Janet gave an “official” statement last night at the BET awards. I guess her and Jermaine “I’m a human ugly doll” Dupree were keeping a low profile, but you have NO idea how concerned I was that Janet didn’t even release a written statement. Panic dreamz. And also, Jamie Foxx? Seriously? Ugh. I really don’t like him. Although that cut away to J-Hud totes made my eyes pee.
So, after you are done watching that, you should srsly watch this. Let’s all think of Michael in a big, sterile (possible hyperbaric?) spaceship in the sky with his morphing intercom of retardedness, big screens of anime, and endless guitars to smash! P.S. How fiiiiine is Janet in this video? Metallicbikinititspread… whaaa?