The Monthly Pornobioscoop:

We go first so you can come quickly

by Mike Ock & Timothy Baptiste

Duckyporn.com and Movieshark.com

For no discernable reason, these two websites offer a completely different aesthetic to these ample offerings that are far beyond similar, even down to a genetic level. We can agree that on some minute intellectual plane, some of the joy that comes from surfing porn sites in hopes for finding the doppelganger of the girl who ripped your heart when you were 15 comes from the wit and creativity of the links.

These two sites offer the same, down to typographical errors. If she loves “crock” on one site… well, then she loves “crock” on the other site.

I admit, at the end of the day all you want, nay need, is to find her on all fours screaming with dope-fueled lust and eyes rolling around in her head like a slot machine, bursting with sexual fervor while being junktrunk fucked by some tattooed hyena, but that’s not what this about.

It’s about the mental seduction of one snowflake of a website gently whispering to me of  “shy teen gets cock-cannoned till blind” as another snowflake refers to the same clip as “19 year old slut deepthroats old man and friends.”

It’s called artistic integrity, and it goes a long way.

7 out of 10 singularly
5 out of 10 if judged as a pair

BangBros.com

Admittedly a pay site, but the clips and promos give you enough of an idea that you would hopefully never send these son’s of bitches a cent…

One of the pioneer sites of the last ten years, this is basically the living embodiment of every nightmare a father ever had for his daughter. These full blown scumbags are right off the scale, when it comes to bad dudes with million dollar ideas. They came up with some of the strongest and most bizarrely long lasting “genre” porn sites out there. When gonzo pornos started popping up in the 90’s these guys came up with “chick trick” and a bunch of other theme porn sites that were geared towards other parts of the brain that live in your cock.

Some of the websites that shine as the gems in the Bang Bros crown are MomsAnalAdventure.com, Bangbus.com, Tugjobs.com, and of course Assparade.com

Overall the women aren’t that hot, and you have to watch guys who look like Ozzfest roadies fuck like they have to go right back to prison when they’re done. It’s a goddamn abomination 90% of the time.

3 out of 10.
Maybe 4 out of 10 if you need something weird to get off to, just to mix it up.

ClipHunter.com

Here’s the scenario: you’re late for work, or your at work, and you have about four minutes to pop one off before whatever it is you have to do.  That’s why we have cliphunter.com
There are just enough videos, not a million on the page so your dick doesn’t go limp while you wait for the page to load.  The thumbnails are actually accurate depictions of whatever carnality you’re gonna find when you click on them.  And, for the most part, the clips are raw, somewhat dirty clips of fucking.  That’s it.
These girls aren’t young or old, hot or fat… they’re just girls.  Getting fucked.

And when you’re pinched for time and you wanna squeeze one out, this is the site for you.

9 out of 10, at your friend’s house while he’s taking a dump.
7 out of 10, at your own house.

ClubTera.com

Tera Patrick. I mean Jesus Christ. This girl is so goddamn great looking it’s just insulting after a point. And she married Evan Seinfeld. Yes, that Evan Seinfeld. The one you’ve never heard of. Evan isn’t famous for his band Biohazard, or for his supporting role on HBO’s prison drama OZ, or for being covered in just enough tattoos to be completely upsetting to see naked, but most recently he’s not famous for being the new “must have” item for the last ten or so movies Tera has done. She refuses to work without him. Well fucking hurray for us.

If you want to see one of the better looking women you’ll never see in heaven, and yes there is a heaven, go to Clubtera.com.  But when you see her, she’s going to be blowing her husband. How fucking lame is that? And the dude rocks a regular cock. He looks like you or me. Which is pathetic. You hear me? Pathetic!

Sell me the fantasy. Show her worshiping and gagging herself to death on a cock that looks like a goddamn sword. Or a sledgehammer. She should be fucking guys that absolutely cannot fuck regular women. Because they are dragging a four foot lead pipe between their legs.

This long, slow retirement is just horseshit. She should peak like a supernova, go all out, do weird fringe porno you can’t send through the mail, make 30 or 40 videos a month, and then be found six weeks later, long dead, in a cut-out box spring in a Malibu motel after a downward spiral of cooking tinfoil and mule-ing drugs across the border.

6 out of 10.
You can find her entire lexicon online for free. Only suckers pay money when her future is going to be spent crapping out kids. I mean how many times can you beat off to footage of her screaming like a harpy while a baby rips her apart on the way out? Three. Three times. And that’s not that many times.

Sublimepie.com and Bunnyteens.com

There are three truly reliable things in this life.  One of them is that you will die.  The other two are sublimepie and bunnyteens.
I’ve been surfing these sites pretty much since I moved on from dial-up.  And they’ve never disappointed me.  Sure, I’ve gotten more than my share of repeat clips and photos (these sites have both, more of the latter), but I’ve met and come to know some of my most beloved internet whores through these sites.
Sublimepie introduced me to Tawnee Stone and Jordan Capri, while BunnyTeens showed me my first giggly blowjob clip of… oh, what’s her name, the giggly one… Christy something or other…
Anyway, what I’m saying is that these sites will not provide you with some of that hard ramming or chock-hold fucking you may be looking for.  What they will give you, and this I can promise, is the key to a  closet of borderline kiddie-porn.  Generally, these of-age but doe-eyed beauties are naked in a field of wildflowers or half-dressed for bed.
But that’s the best part.  And sometimes, that’s all you really want.
Unless you want something else, and they sometimes got that too.  Like I said, reliable.

8 out of 10, together
They probably deserve a 6 when all is said and done, but in my book they get another point for personal nostalgia and another point for Sublimepie’s quasi-clever slogan of: “Serving up hot, fresh porn!”













MyDaughtersFuckingABlackDude.com

Look, we all know this site was ten times better back when it was called MyDaughtersFuckingANigga.com, but let’s not dwell in the past.  It’s like when Prince changed his name to a fucking doodle: everyone still calls him Prince.  It’s only on TV that they call him “the artist formerly,” and all that shit.  His friends still call him Prince, you and I still call him Prince.  Because the name doesn’t really matter to us.

However, there is one name that matters: Shane Diesel.  God bless you, Shane.  God bless you and your websites, wesbites that break down the color barrier every fucking day.

3 out of 10.
The porno kind of sucks.  And the novelty wears off pretty quickly.  But a name like that gets you three points guaranteed.

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