Since Katie still isn’t answering our calls… (We’re guessing she’s still in Paris, where she has informed us that they sadly have no writing implements or movies even!)  Out of pettiness, we like to think her Paris-adise is viewed through a tiny, grimy window in some shitty hostel that’s crammed with just a bit more German/Canadian/Australian tourist scum than she can handle, but we digress. Once again we’ve asked Lisa to fill in.

If Lisa seems more “I stuff plastic buttons and acorns into Coinstars machines” than usual, please forgive. Apparently, she had been living high on the hog by chewing up every last pill in Katie’s house.  And then she ran out. (I’m pretty sure she wrote the Robocop 3 review while detoxing and grinding her teeth to goddamn powder.)


Hey everybody! So the movies I picked this month are about the future. Not the real future, but the awesome future of yesteryear, which are, by and far, garbage. C’mon guys, neon isn’t the end all be all.

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Lawnmower Man
 
Today I woke up with a fever and to help battle what condition my condition was in, I chewed up two or three Xanax bars out of Katie’s medicine cabinet, tossed on the good old Cinemax, and put a t-shirt on Katie’s cat to battle the freezing air conditioner that I had turned to 11 to beat the heat. Winky looked so good in his shirt I put another one on him. Then another. Then another. Winky’s muffled mews got more and more aggravated and manic with the heat rash that was fast a-coming.  Too cute! Before I knew it three hours had passed and one of the long sleeves on Katie’s dress shirt that I'd been sleeping in that week/had been using to wipe up the drool that was spilling out of my face like a busted faucet, was freezing cold. So I took my half wet smock off and Winky’s still screaming his adora-ugly face off and I’m walking around with my clumsy tits falling all over the place, and I see out of the corner of my eye that my temporary Puerto Rican neighbor was staring dead into the living room, and looking at me. And my tits.

So I started screaming.

I don’t like this movie. It made me hate Puerto Ricans. And my boyfriend is Puerto Rican. So now my whole shit is all fucked up. Guh!

Zero Stars

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Tron

So in one hand I had three Valium and in the other hand I had a Percocet that looked like someone had been keeping it safe by giving it to a baby to chew on for the better part of an afternoon. I had gone ahead and eaten some more of that Xanax when I woke up that morning and was having a bit of trouble deciding what drugs I wanted to put in my brain, so I popped everything, spit swallowed and turned on Tron. What I didn’t remember about Tron is that its kind of boring at first. And what it took me near 90 minutes to learn was that its kind of boring at the end too. And the middle, well, to be honest, I was cooking and eating hotpocket after hotpocket in the kitchen and thinking about how today was just the perfect day. And after I ate 40 minutes worth of hotpockets (what’s that? five of them? I burned my mouth like three times, twice on the same one, and I laughed and laughed and laughed…) I looked at the calendar on the fridge and I realized that I had been wearing a bathrobe for six days, making that almost the perfect week!

Tron, which came out in the 80s, has a couple of guys that are still in movies, in this movie, but younger. And that kind of tripped me out.

Two Stars

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Johnny Mnemonic

(So I kind of got really into this one, but dammit, all these tranqs are messing with my memory something fierce. Oh well, I did my best!)

Johnny Mnemonic is a 1999 science fiction action film written and directed by Larry and Andy Wachowski and starring Keanu Reeves, Laurence Fishburne, Carrie-Anne Moss, Joe Pantoliano, and Hugo Weaving. It was first released in the USA on March 31, 1999, and is the first entry in The Johnny Mnemonic series of films, comics, video games and animation. The film received four Academy Awards in the technical categories.

The film describes a future in which reality perceived by humans is actually the Johnny Mnemonic, a simulated reality created by sentient machines in order to pacify and subdue the human population while their bodies' heat and electrical activity are used as an energy source. Upon learning this, computer programmer "Neo" is drawn into a rebellion against the machines. The film contains numerous references to the cyberpunk and hacker subcultures; philosophical and religious ideas; and homages to Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, Hong Kong action movies, Spaghetti Westerns and Japanese animation. (Editor’s Note: I’m pretty sure Lisa looked up The Matrix on Wikipedia, copied and pasted it into a word doc, and then did a find and replace action to put in Johnny Mnemonic every time the word Matrix appeared. Wow, I miss Katie…)

Four stars

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Robocop

This movie was actually kind of awesome. It kind of reminded me of this cop that pulled me over one night on a highway in Denver. As soon as I saw the lights behind me, I knew I was going to be spending the night in jail. Just watching him walk up to the window, I knew there was no way I was going to be able to talk my way out, I was busted. I was fall down, shithouse drunk on a box of pino I shared with my sister, she said I should have taken a cab, and she was right (oh, she was right, she was right).

So the cop is all rigid and no smile as he tapped on the glass and as I tried my best to look sober, but still kind of slutty to maybe catch a break, and as soon as he said word one, BAM! He got clipped by an even drunker driver that was speeding by! He was all ripped up and twisted on the street and I saw him look into my eyes and he really slowly and clearly said “Use my radio. 911. Use my radio.”

And I drove and I drove and I drove.

But I loved this movie! Bang bang, shoot ‘em up!

Five stars

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Robocop 3

So this movie was basically the same movie as the first Robocop, with one important distinction. Jetpacks. Oh, and being as gay as gay can be. This was gay like good old fashioned, Roman times gay. Like, when nearly everyone was gay, and they still looked at that one guy, that guy with a whole mouthful of curvy dicks, a hairy knuckled hand in his ass and a cluster of 8-year-old boys stuck like a school of lamprey to his tweren’t, balls and dickhead and said “Jesus Christ, Mike. You’re having a hell of a time.” And Mike says, “Hell yeah I am, faggot.”

Mike’s got it all figured out. But this movie still sucked.

Zero Stars

Ok, listen, this one got away from me. Katie’s medicine cabinet is pretty much empty and as you might assume, my routine has turned to shit. If you don’t like it, you can cut this one, Mr. Bossman. (Editor’s Note: No Lisa, I’m going to leave this one in, so Katie can see what I’ve had to deal with during her European Vacation. Hey Katie, you didn’t do a good job finding an understudy. Great job!)