Seven Dude Movies

by Katie Bruggeman

Alright, I have a confession.  This dude just moved in with me, so I’ve started watching a lot of movies featuring fighting, car crashes, mustached villains and bank robberies.  There are also some about cage matches and revenge and killing people with knives, guns, spiked bats and Chinese throwing stars (a personal favorite of mine).

Ladies, I’m pretty sure that these films reflect and cause some serious violent fantasies, so you’d better get out of that relationship now.  To think, a grisly attack with a butcher knife and a mace can captivate him like nothing besides our naked boobs...  Now that’s some sadistic shit.

Rambo III

In the dankest caverns and holes of Southeast Asia creeps Rambo III, a sweaty and veiny hulking beast that will kill anyone or anything for no reason whatsoever. Growing up as an orphan, Rambo III was raised by an abusive Chinese family that forced him to work in their restaurant every day after school. They would make him to sweep chow mein from the shag carpeting and clean out the totally gross grease traps. They also made him share a bedroom with an diabetic voyeur named Grumbles, which got sort of creepy after Rambo III hit puberty and started popping boners. Every night before Rambo III fell asleep on a super uncomfortable straw mattress, he thought up different ways that he’d get revenge on these terrible people. Then, one night, he decided that the perfect plan would be to become a murderous machine hell-bent on eliminating every Asian on the planet.

He saved up money for a plane ticket to Bejing where he bought some leather armbands from a back alley leather armband salesmen. Then this dude sold him a gun for $20. The bottom line is that Rambo III moves like a ghost, chopping and maiming children, mothers, grandmothers, and men. No one will ever love Rambo III.

Footloose

Apparently there’s no dancing in the Bible Belt, save for the intricate dance of concealing your homosexuality from a very unforgiving family and town.  I’m pretty sure this movie is one big metaphor that acts out the forbidden sexual urges of clergymen and pillars of the community.  Just let them have sex with dudes already.

Also, the most notable thing about Kevin Bacon is that you can see up his nose and directly into his brain.  To call him Pig Nose would be a compliment.  He looks like the pickled pig fetus that’s on view at the Smithsonian.  Kevin Bacon is The Poor Man’s Campbell Scott.  He just sucks and this movie sucks.  

Terminator 2

Guns N’ Roses was a super awesome band back when I was in seventh grade.  We fuckin' rocked out to Use Your Illusion 1 and 2.  I think that one of the songs from that double album was featured in a pivotal scene during Terminator 2.  I don’t remember that time of my life very well, as I was crippled by the mindfuck that is adolescent insecurity.  What a great time in a girl’s life:  the onset of acne, waiting for her first period, getting “massages” from the band teacher every day after school.  Yuck.

Terminator 2 is set in 1991, a desolate era in which evil cyborgs have taken over the planet and America has become a burned-out, post-apocalyptic screamscape.  Edward Furlong travels from the future, on a mission to save the human race.  He makes Arnold Schwartzenegger from crude parts, like Frankenstein, and gives him tons of guns and steroids, and they huff gasoline together under some bridge while the evil cyborgs blow up a bunch of shit in Baltimore, and the Chamber of Commerce gets mad and issues everyone citations. But emotionally bankrupt humanoid killing machines don't care about citations.  Then a hot, muscular lady comes from out of nowhere and kills everyone.

Various Jean-Claude Van Damme Movies

Jean-Claude Van Damme gets a phone call while he’s in bed with a big-titted anonymous woman, after they had some steamy, illicit and semi-violent intercourse.  The voice on the phone says that there’s a problem.  The killers are after him, and, now that he’s sexed up and tongued down with  Big Tits, they’re probably after her too.  It’s a total mess.  He has to go to a warehouse to await further instructions from a federal agent or crime boss or foreign minister or corporate overlord.
The chase is on!  Jean Claude Van Damme participates in several fights and heated conversations.  He threatens people.  People threaten him.  There’s a motorcycle chase.  Everyone seems to hate Jean Claude Van Damme.  His pony tail shines in the moonlight.

He faces the enemy!  Crap, it’s so intense.  They say they’re out for blood, that one of them isn’t walking out of the loading dock/rainy alley/public bathroom alive.  Another guy comes out, holding Big Tits hostage.  One false move and she gets it.  By “it” they mean death.
Jean Claude Van Damme over powers them with some fancy kicking and there’s a grappling hook that’s used creatively by someone.  Big Tits pleads for her life.  And then, in one split second, Jean Claude Van Damme wins!  It’s a total shock every time.  Against all odds, Jean Claude Van Damme always wins.

Die Hard

It’s Christmas time and Bruce Willis is put in a peculiar position:  a deranged elf has killed Santa Claus and there’s no one left to deliver presents to the world’s children.  With his sweaty, wrinkled face and history of alcoholism, the sexy Missus Claus deems Bruce Willis perfect for the job.  His is a difficult, three-part mission:  he must oversee the manufacturing of toys in Santa’s workshop, develop a plan to shimmy down every chimney on earth in 24 hours, and fight to the death an elf with the fortitude to take out Ol’ Claus.

Arming himself with nothing but a radioactive sleigh and a team of willing, bloodthirsty reindeer, Willis embarks on the craziest mission of his life.  This shit is insane.  No one can even believe it, man.  
A remarkable scene happens when he hallucinates from hunger and exhaustion and ends up killing one of the reindeer.  He makes jerky out of it.  Gross.

Dude, Where’s My Car?

There isn’t enough marijuana in the world to make this movie at all humorous or entertaining. Ashton Kutcher flips his faggy hairstyle and The Guy With Three First Names pratfalls himself into an idiot’s fugue. Basically they go to a party, lose their car, have sex with drag queens, huff nitrous and end up getting involved in a convoluted tale of alien conspiracy and homoerotica. I’d rather suffer complications from spinal meningitis than watch this fucking movie.

The Lion King

I include this movie on the Dude Movies list because I knew a guy that watched it 120 times.  He was a really disturbed individual that had a masturbating problem, but we hung out with him all the time because he was over 21 and could buy us malt liquor.

I can kind of see where he’s coming from, though.  His dad took off when he was a baby, and his mom raised him amidst the most terrible white trash chaos, and maybe he just wanted a lion dad that would raise him above a canyon and then all the animals would sing "Circle of Life" by Elton John.  Or maybe he just likes Elton John a lot, and listened to the soundtrack while trying on his mom’s clothes when she was at work all night at the bar?  Who knows.  The point is, that guy is probably still fucked up to this day, although I heard that he’s married now and lives in apartment complex in North Dakota.  Fuck it, dude.








Visit Katie's blog, Dancing at Gunpoint here: gstringsfororphans.blogspot.com

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