The Monthly Pornobioscoop:

We go first so you can come quickly

by Mike Ock & Timothy Baptiste

Dear Readers,

At the partially ripened age of 14, I had a deep philosophical discussion with a fellow pornography afficianato. While I was a proponent and advocate of two or more women limberly attacking each other with sexual intent, he said it did little to nothing for him.

I stated my case well into the night.

Bullet points began by toasting the undeniable aesthetic beauty of the women involved, rather than the usually oafish quality most male porn stars bring to the tableau. The fact that women, for the most part, “love grunt” about a hundred times sexier than men—watch tennis, you philistines—and when approaching a new sexual documentary one rarely looks forward to the male anatomy.  A glimpse of pink is what gets the heart fluttering, certainly not the penis.

We, the viewing audience, forgive and forget, focusing on the bigger picture.  But why? Why bother when we could just as easily have two or fifteen lithe young half-fawn/half-porpoises still slippery from drink rolling around each other in psudo and genuine drug-eyed ecstasy?

Well, I’ll tell you why. I’ll quote what this good friend of mine told me when we were 14-years-old:  “Lesbian pornography is essentially worthless because I can’t get a hard-on watching a couple of girls roll around with no meat to eat.” And although he never claimed to be a poet, the man had a point.

Lesbian sex feels fake. It’s incredibly hot, if stumbled across in real life, and well, if you find the unicorn that is real-life spontaneous girl-on-girl, don’t question it.  Fust stay silent. Don’t think for a second to interrupt, just watch and treasure every moment. Because you’re dreaming.

But when dealing in film and images I would rather watch a woman play with her cougar for a feverish three minutes and bring herself to snapping turtle orgasm.

If you would like to weigh in on the subject, please feel free to view the sites below, think it over, comment at the bottom of this page where offered, and we’ll have ourselves a chat. Also, if you have any sites, lesbian oriented or other, that you feel we should see we’d love to check them out.  And by “check them” out we mean masturbate.

Yours in “some arbitrary religion’s mascot”,
Mike Ock


Dear Readers,

When the editor told me we were only to review lesbian sites this month, I was like, “Whatever.”  But then Mike was all uppity and wrote and wrote that reminiscent diatribe he calls “letter to the readers.”  That kind of made me raw about the whole thing.  And I wondered, “Why am I raw?”

And I came up with this:

Lesbians don’t exist.  Dykes?  Sure.  And plenty of them.  But no lesbians.  The difference?  Dykes fuck other dykes.  Lesbians let girls eat them out.  And they really enjoy kissing.  But the girls who eat each other out on porno sites?  They do it for reasons ranging from money to childhood trauma.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not against homosexuals.  I say, get it.  And by “it” I mean sex.  And love.  Why not?

My point is that quote unquote Lesbian Porno requires a sense of disbelief beyond what hetero sex, gangbangs, and Mike’s Apartment require.

Lesbians can’t make babies.  In the end, that’s what I really need in order to choke out a spill.

Yup,
Timothy Baptiste

GirlsAreLesbian.com

“The Site That Finally Proves ALL Women Are Lesbians!”

Oh, the thrill of the hunt. We all know it, we know the heart thumping joy that comes with that tentative eye-fucking, the flirting, the ten drinks to get centered, the five minutes of lovemaking that you would give your right nut to last 10, and the eerie silence that follows… oh it’s the best. The premise of this site is a “dare” that encourages two women to go out, and do just that:

Overall, the talent is pretty sub-par, late twenties all, and worse for the wear. Being 27-30 in “porn years” averages out to about 38-45 in civilian years. They work hard and they play hard, and usually it’s pretty hard to tell the difference. The drugs are still littered around the bed, but the lights aren’t quite so hot, and you usually know the first names of everyone in the room.

Also, something that can’t be ignored, this site promises to finally prove that all women are lesbians. Well great, you’ll finally hammer the point home that all women are genuinely disinterested in having sex with us. Thank you so much, website. Besides the fact that it’s a hilariously frightening lie, the women in these video’s occasionally slip and are heard to moan something along the lines of “fuck me with that fat…Dildo!”

Listen honey, that’s just silly. We know what you wanted to say, what you’ve been saying for over a decade of industry work, and now is no reason to be a party to censorship. Cry out for the genitals of yesteryear, or at least try to hide your mixture of bored indifference and mild anxiety that comes from the sudden reality of your life crashing down around you, in between re-glossing your lips. It would be a healthy departure from the soul crushing fiction that is presented here, in all of its lesbionic glory. (Oh, and I don’t care that lesbionic isn’t a word.)

Rating: 4 out of 10
If compared even for an instant with real pornography, this site is shown as what it is, merely a diversion from the goods. You may stumble across some familiar faces, but they are slumming. And if you have any concept of the intricacies of this business, that is just so damn sad it should make your hard-on run back up inside you from worry.

WeLiveTogether.com

“From College Friends to roommates to…”

Unlike Mike’s Apartment, this website doesn’t leave you with that creepy stomach ache.  This is a website about girls who "choose" to live and fuck together.  Unlike Mike's Apartment, which is essentially whoring.

We all know it’s better to masturbate to fanciful, consensual sleepovers than landlord/tenant prostitution.  Roommate sex is always gives me a pole.  Sex for rent, never.

8 out of 10
Britteny, Taylor, and Nicole are cute.  And to be honest, I’d love to hang out with them.

Lezbomovies.com

Underneath only two lesbian movie clips, lies the text: “Bored Of Lesbians?  Check Out My Friends Straight Porno Sites Below:” followed by a list some 200 long of… you guessed  it, lesbian porno sites.  What’s worse is the ridiculous contradictions of the site’s name and the discription.  Some examples:

Having visited none of those links, I can recommend them solely on their names and descriptions.  I’ll share three:

Penis Bot - Clean lesbian porn links
Pure Sex Movies - Dedicated to perverted porn movie lovers
Clean Pornstars - Nothing but sexy pornstar adults

After that, you’ll find like 400 lesbian porno clip links.  It ain’t called LesboMovies for nothing!

4 out of 10
It’s funny more than anything else.  And that’s a compliment.

Herfirstlesbiansex.com

“Aided by a bevy of lovely lesbian women we lure hopeful models into our studio for a ‘try-out’ photo session.  What they DO NOT KNOW is that the plot is to have our willing assistant seduce our female guest into exploring the opportunity for… her first lesbian SEX!”  - Eric, the cameraman for Her First Lesbian Sex

OK.  Whatever, dude. You’re not even real.  And neither is your set-up.

3 out of 10.
The girls are pretty.  But “pretty” has never meant good porno.

24hourfreesex.com

“Your Favorite Free Lesbian Pussy Photos & Videos!”

Pink.  The pink background is nice on this site.  You don’t get much pink in the pornosite color pallet.  Well, not as much as you’d expect.  Or I’d expect after seeing this site and appreciating it so much.  Oh, and the other thing I like about this site is the library of videos featuring pairs of blonde bimbos bumping uglies.

There’s something about two girls with their legs bent and spread rubbing their crotches together.  Grinding.  Bouncing.  Back arched, head back, gently sighing and pulsating against each other… even it it’s all too apparent that each woman is doing it only for herself and they understand that in clit on clit action everyone’s a winner.

I don’t know if it’s some bastardized 69 position, or some male girl-on-girl fantasy position written into the Lesbian Sutra.  But you know what?  I don't care.

6 out of 10
If I’m watching lesbian porno, I might as well watch two girls bash clam strips.

Lesbiancoeds.com

“Your home on the web for all the best girl-on-girl college spots action!”

Some of these girls are young and tender and when they get it on they kiss softly while holding hands and only in the heat of the moment do they start munching.  And they do it so delicately!

But then there’s the rest of the girls.  And they’re all the same: some B-grade pornstar working a weekend shoot while her na-na tightens back up for Monday’s gangbang.

6 out of 10
Pretty much any site with the word “Co-Ed” in the title is of fair to low quality.  Not to say it doesn’t get my pecker puking, but you know… standards.

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And now... some extra bonus photos!  Enjoy!

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