Cousin Fuckers: The Moderate's Approach to Incest

text:  Chris R. Morgan

art:    Mike Force

Incest is an act taken either with a gasp of disgust or a lurid chuckle.  When it comes to carnal cousins, the reaction is usually the latter.  Whatever.  In 2002, The Journal of Genetic Counseling stated that cousin-on-cousin action does no more (or less) to potential offspring than an average, non-related coupling.  Of course throughout history the threat of hypothetical deformities and general creepiness has not stopped these famous couples from keeping it in the family.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt & Eleanor Roosevelt

These historical figures have a very common, accepted image about them.  FDR was the debonair, cigarette-holder clenching President who, despite his massive wealth, made socialism cool until the war bailed the country out of its rut.  Eleanor was his awkward albeit sharp, (probably) lesbian sidekick who raised the bar when it came to being the spouse of a world leader, a bar that has been ebbing ever since.  Most knew of their distant blood relations, but merely as a footnote.  

What most don't learn about is that they treated each other more like relatives than like spouses.  FDR was a cocktail-guzzling womanizer with a mean streak towards Eleanor that struck most often at dinner parties, in front of everyone.  Eleanor, though a kind woman, was homely and asexual (which kind of works out when your husband can't walk), she was also hated by other family members such as FDR's mother and opium trade heiress, Sara Ann Delano and her progressive, beautiful but bitchy first cousin Alice. 

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Saddam Hussein & Sajida Talfah

Sajida's life was possibly saved at age seven when her marriage to first cousin Saddam was arranged, as Saddam has had no problem killing other family members for whatever reason.  While her husband just got noosed, Sajida remains a fugitive for crimes of theft, torture, financing Sunni militant sects, and plotting to assassinate her hell spawn son, Uday.

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Alois Hitler & Klara Polzl

As if there wasn't enough confusion in the Hitler/Hiedler/Schickelgruber family tree, Klara, for a while, considered Alois to be her uncle.  As it turns out, they were second cousins, but oh so different: she was overly doting and he was a domineering tyrant.  Most of their (known) children died, but those who didn't went on to lead perfectly dysfunctional lives.

The child that polarized the affections of the couple most, Adolf, despite his despising of anything familial, carried on the tradition by wooing his attractive niece Geli Raubal.  What actually went on between them is speculative, but eventually Geli committed suicide, setting off Adolf's track record as The Leading Lady-Killer of the greater German/Austrian area.  And we all know what happened to dirty rebound girl, Eva Braun.

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Charles Darwin & Emma Wedgewood

Being the mascot for uppity liberals and atheists is no easy task, even deities like Darwin have lapses in judgment.  One such lapse was his belief in the superiority of the white race--go figure.  The other, at least in his mind, was his marrying of his cousin.

Charles and Emma were a compatible couple.  They had ten children, however, four would live no longer than twenty years.  This led the master of evolution to determine that his inter-familial wedlock only led to trouble for their children, but the aforementioned genetics reports seem to show that his hypothesis was a tad melodramatic.    

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Edgar Allan Poe & Virginia Eliza Clemm

Poe never had it easy living a carefree life of heavy drinking, debt, and sparring among fellow literati.  On top of that, Poe always had women trouble, mainly because they kept dying.

Poe's final effort to find love was with his cousin Virginia Clemm, who was fourteen at the time.  With the approval of his aunt/future Mother-in-Law, they "recalculated" her age and sealed the deal.  The marriage lasted happily for twelve years before Virginia died of Tuberculosis (the AIDS of the 19th century) and Poe sank further into poverty and depression.  Poe tried marrying two more times for the money but died not too long after.

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Jerry Lee Lewis & Myra Gale Brown

Jerry Lee Lewis had the God-given talent of setting musical instruments aflame while reaping the benefits of other people's genius.  However, that talent faced a major setback due to teenage cousin Myra Brown's talent of not keeping her trap shut.  Once it was revealed that he married his cousin Lewis's career went down the drain, leaving a trail of empty bottles, broken instruments, and pill bottles in dive bars across the country.  

Marriage is a complicated thing for any couple, but when it brings dead air to your livelihood because your wife is underage and your cousin, even a marriage counselor would recommend heavy drinking.

For those interested in any of Lewis's other eccentric family members, try his porn-addicted, Televangelist cousin Jimmy Swaggert.  

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Jesse James & Zerelda Mimms

There was a time in the untamed South when parents gave the children borderline-biblical but cool and/or slickly-alliterated names.  They kept it in the family, for better and worse.  And Jesse James was all about family.  When he and his brother Frank weren't doing whatever the hell it was they did that made them folk heroes, he was courting his cousin Zerelda (aka "Zee") for nine years and having four kids in the process.

James's legacy was most potent among former Confederates (who he represented by killing unarmed anti-Confederates in guerilla outfits), his love life isn't of the greatest concern in the long run, but it really does little to quell those annoying stereotypes about rednecks. 

                                                                                                                   Considering that Jesse James went on to be portrayed in films by Colin Farrell, Rob Lowe and, in the near-future, Brad Pitt, it's not hard  to feel the heat of a milquetoast plain girl's primal urges.  

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