Children's Movies, or How I Became So Fucked-Up

by Katie Bruggeman

Do you ever wonder why so many people lead dysfunctional, depressing lives?  It’s probably because they watched a ton of shitty, delusional movies during their formative years.  I personally spent many an hour watching VHS tapes in my darkened bedroom, waiting to turn into an astronaut, a circus clown, a princess, a flying elephant, a mailbox, the President of Pakistan, or any other unlikely scenario that made my little existence seem so dull in comparison.  Unforch, none of this stuff came true, and the closest I ever came to transcending reality was when I spent those years at Hogwarts, brewing up potions, fighting Lord Voldemort, and riding through the night sky on my broom, the Firebolt 500.  Wait, where am I?  What’s going on?  Mommy?

Here are some movie reviews.
 


The Wizard of Oz

The Wizard of Oz is about a girl that lives at her aunt's house because Family Services took her away from her bi-polar, vagrant mother. In the beginning, a witch gets killed by a house that dropped from the moon (implausible), and flying monkeys blot out the sun with their fearsome wings.   It just gets crazier from there, if you can believe it!  The girl finds some freakish animal/human hybrids to accompany her to a greenish city that is much like Denver, Colorado.  On the way there, they must hike through an enchanted forest, and everything devolves into a nightmarish land of show tunes and rape.

What did Dorothy expect?  The most horrible things happen in forests, which is the reason that I don't trust magical sylvanian happenings to this day. Is it a coincidence that dead secretaries and missing (also dead) hookers are usually found in the woods?
I'll let you in on a little secret: only psychopathic serial killers like this movie.  Not that I'm in a secret serial killing society or anything.  That would be CRAZY!
 
p.s. Judy Garland is from Grand Rapids, Minnesota!




Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Daniel Radcliffe was a mere 12 years old when he shot this movie, and he looked like a miniature, grotesque KD Lang.  This didn't stop me from masturbating to him on several occasions, usually while I was drunk.  My friends and family said that my lustful obsession with the boy wizard was “inappropriate,” “unhealthy,” and “sad,” but he had an integrity that outshines every grown man I've ever met.  Did my college boyfriend ever save me from a fire-breathing dragon that held me captive on the top of a mountain?  I don't think so.  He did take me to White Castle for Valentine's Day one year. Now that's inappropriate and sad.















Riding the Bus with my Sister

I consider this movie to be in the children's genre because Rosie O'Donnell has the mental capacity of an infant.  Goo goo ga ga, she's retarded.  The only difference between her and an actual baby is that her dumps are too big to fit in a standard diaper, and require a forklift to haul that shit (literally) away.
 
If you're wondering if there’s a discernable plot of this tale of Down Syndrome and sisterhood, the title of this thing really says it all.  She rides the bus around on the wrong side of the tracks, just asking to get mugged.






Something Wicked this Way Comes

I watched this movie on Halloween in 4th grade, after trick-or-treating for three hours and then gobbling down a pillowcase full of candy on the floor of my friend Betsey's living room.  Maybe it was the sweaty aftermath of eating far too many Sugar Babies, or maybe it was the scary ambience of the graveyard next door, but this movie held me emotionally hostage late into the night.  I didn’t fall asleep until the sun came up, still wearing the stained white sweatpants that constituted the bottom half of my costume.  

The movie is set in a shabby, low-budget circus, where the animals are abused and their handlers are treated even worse. Ever hear of human trafficking?  You're lucky that you haven't experienced it first hand, you stinky brats.  

These circus-working dregs of society live in boxcars and take out their misguided anger on scabby elephants and mangy, skinny tigers.  They drown their shame by drinking raisin jack out of filthy jugs and wake up the next day in a different town, a different show, facing a different case of shingles or gout. Life is sad. Life is very sad.  

Or, maybe that was just the running commentary that Betsey's dad whispered to himself while watching this movie from behind me on the couch clinging to a bottle of scotch and waiting for his marriage to end.

That was a bad night.   



The Land Before Time 6

Somehow this ailing franchise has lasted longer than the dinosaurs. What gives?  Every dinosaur on the planet would have been extinct by the fourth installment of this crap.  And if this is the land before time, when exactly is time supposed to start? Also, how many stories are left to tell about a baby triceratops that has lost its family to an ice age?

My best guess as to how this movie came about is that some greedy studio executive felt the need to wring every last dime from this thing, and now you can buy it while waiting in the check-out line at Wal-Mart.
 
















Beauty and the Beast

This early-nineties Disney film tells the classic story of an against-all-odds, inter-species relationship, or as some call it, beastiality.  Despite its negative reputation in society, I think that sometimes non-traditional love can persevere, beyond the limits of cultural norms or the boundaries of common decency.

The beauty in question is named Belle, and she had a perfectly handsome and presentable suitor who lived in the same town and wanted to marry her and make her into a boring little bride.  But she didn't love him back, and decided to follow her dad out to an abandoned castle in the middle of a dark and thunderous countryside.  This ill-timed vision quest brought her to a troubled and vulnerable furry beast with a checkered past and some deep commitment issues.  Isn't that how it always is?  A romantic situation like this happened to me once, but we broke up a couple of days ago, and now I cry and cry and cry.  

---

Visit Katie's blog, Dancing at Gunpoint, here: www.gstringsfororphans.blogspot.com

---