Science Can Kill

by Tabitha Esther

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We’ve all seen this happen in the movies: Somebody waltzes into to a dingy bar, talks shit to the tough guy, all hell breaks loose and then CRASH! Broken glass everywhere and throats are getting slit with busted beer bottles. Should such a situation occur in real life, will YOU be prepared to stab, shank, or slash your way out of the chaos? Will you know what brand of beer makes for the most effective weapon? What about how to properly break the bottle in the first place? We here at Chief Magazine aim to prepare you for such a situation with another installment of Science Can Kill.

The Setup: Grolsch, Miller Light, Corona, Pacifico, Fat Tire, and Red Stripe were our test subjects. The test site was an alleyway in East LA on a Sunday afternoon. The experiment was run by the author with assistance from members of local roller derby leagues: Hadda “Bad” Day aka The Jodiac Killer, Bijou 2a Pulp, and Leia Mout. Assistants were chosen for their love of all things beer and a propensity for wreakin’ it.

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Hypothesis: Grolsch will perform the best, seeing as the bottle is denser than the other test subjects. Red Stripe will perform the worst, because it’s got a dumpy bottle with no neck.

Methods: It was necessary for the participants to consume the contents of four to six test subjects from each brand before any experimentation could take place. This served to provide us not only with an ample supply of empty bottles, but also a more realistic testing atmosphere. As previous studies have shown, an individual’s belligerence and muscle response depend greatly on the amount of alcohol consumed. We sought to maximize both in order to keep the experiment as true to life as possible. Proper safety attire was utilized.

Bottles were broken in two ways: (1) with a vertical, over the head swing and (2) by a quick horizontal strike against a wall (see figure). 

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                                                                                                 <sup>method 1

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        method 2</sup>

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After specimens were broken, it was necessary to test the integrity of the bottle remains. Fuzzy stuffed animals served as test subjects in order to determine how well the weapon behaved during the acts of stabbing, shanking, and/or slashing. A baby chick, two bunnies, a lamb, a monkey, a dog and a tiger were used.

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Results: In the end no bottle proved to be remarkably better than another. Miller Light yielded constantly fierce-looking results, but did not perform well during stabbing tests. The remains typically crumbled after two or three strikes. Red Stripe performed surprisingly well and yielded one of the better examples of the experiment. Red Stripe also kept its integrity throughout the stabbing tests. However, several of the Red Stripe specimens were too small to be effective, making the author hesitant to suggest usage of this brand.

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Grolsch did not perform as well as expected, leaving very little of the bottle after breakage. Long-necked beers such as Corona and Pacifico consistently broke all the way to the bottle’s neck, leaving a limited amount of weapon available. This is not necessarily bad, seeing as the neck is the sturdiest part of the bottle and would do well when applied directly to the throat of a would-be attacker. Fat Tire Ale was a wild card and produced some exquisite and some poo-poo results. Its usage is suggested with caution.

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Conclusions:  To fashion the best weapon, use a quick, medium-soft strike horizontally against a wall. A hard, vertical impact (method 1) typically reduced the bottle to useless shards. A quick strike against a wall (method 2) is more likely to produce a larger and sturdier weapon.

All participants agreed that it looks tougher than hell to bust a bottle in preparation for a serious brawl. The broken glass and the sound are very effective forms of intimidation. It was also agreed upon that any of the remains would be useful if applied to soft tissue areas on the body such as the face, throat, stomach and backs of knees.

So the next time you are slashin’ like a pro in a bar filled with Hells Angels, thank Science for saving your ass once again.




Fascinated? Curious? Bored at work? Learn more science at Tabitha's blog:  www.getyourscienceon.com

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